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<<timed 1s>><img src="images/facehappy.png" width="150" class="center"><</timed>><div class="typed-speed20-delay1800"><div style="Text-align: center;"> <font size="120">Hello.</font></div></div> <div class="typed-speed10-delay1400">I’m T.R.I.C.K.! <i>(‘Triage and Recovery for Infirm Computers’ Kernel)</i></div> <div class="typed-speed10-delay1000">Did you know that 65% of reported computer issues could be resolved by end users in less than 2 minutes with a little guidance? That’s where I come in! Using our patented G.O.T.C.H.A. (Google Online Training Computer Hivemind Architecture) technology, we hope to have you online and working in no time! </div> <<timed 15s>>[[Let's get started!]]<</timed>><<timed 16s>> < Click here to proceed<</timed>> <<cacheaudio "boot2" "images/boot2.mp3">> <<audio "boot2" play>>

<img src="images/facehappy.png" width="150" class="center"><div class="typed-speed20-delay800"> To begin, please give us a brief summary of your IT problem. G.O.T.C.H.A. will analyse your issue and provide a solution in mere nanoseconds! </div> <<timed 5s>>Describe your issue: <<textbox "$issue" "">> [[Send]] <</timed>>

<img src="images/facehappy.png" width="150" class="center"><div class="typed-speed20-delay800">Thanks!</div> <div class="typed-speed20-delay800">Consulting G.O.T.C.H.A.</div> <<timed 3s>><img src="images/loading.gif" width="140px" class="center"> <<next>><<goto "Cancel">><</timed>>

<img src="images/facehappy.png" width="150" class="center"><div class="typed-speed20-delay800">G.O.T.C.H.A. seems to be having an unscheduled outage at the moment.</div> <div class="typed-speed10-delay600">That’s fine though - as we computers always say, it's essential to have a good backup!</div> <div class="typed-speed10-delay600">With that in mind, let me initialize M.I.N.C.E. (Manual Input NERD (Not Exactly Remote Desktop) Correction Engine)</div> <<timed 14s>><<goto "Manners">><</timed>>

<img src="images/facewink.png" width="150" class="center"><div class="typed-speed20-delay800">Well, great to meet you, $HUMAN_WITH_ISSUES!</div> <div class="typed-speed20-delay600">I’m sure we’ll get to the bottom of your technical issue in no time.</div> <div class="typed-speed20-delay600">First off, is this the machine you’re having a problem with?</div> <<timed 8s>> [[Yes]] [[No]] <</timed>>

<img src="images/facehappy.png" width="150" class="center"><div class="typed-speed10-delay600">Okay, I thought it might be. Didn’t want to presume though, you know?</div> <<timed 4s>> <<goto "GoodChoice">><</timed>>

<img src="images/facehappy.png" width="150" class="center"><div class="typed-speed20-delay800">Okay, can you tell me the operating system you’re using?</div> <<radiobutton "$os" "Windows 2000" checked>> Windows 2000 <<radiobutton "$os" "Windows ME">> Windows ME <<radiobutton "$os" "Windows 95/98">> Windows 95/98 <img src="images/cancel.png" width="16px"> Windows Vista (Not worth supporting, sorry.) <<radiobutton "$os" "Some kind of Mac">> Some kind of Mac <<radiobutton "$os" "Other">> Other [[Send->GoodChoice]]

<img src="images/facevhappy.png" width="150" class="center"><div class="typed-speed20-delay800">Nice operating system!</div> <div class="typed-speed20-delay800">Please choose the issue you’re having from the list below:</div> <<timed 5s>><<listbox "$problem" autoselect>> <<option "Boot error" "my computer doesn't even start">> <<option "Printer failing to print" "can't make the printer print">> <<option "Forgotten password" "I can't remember my own password">> <<option "Microsoft Office won't load" "Microsoft Office won't load">> <<option "No audio" "my computer isn't making sounds">> <<option "Web pages not loading" "my web pages aren't loading">> <<option "Webcam too dark" "can't see myself on webcam">> <<option "Windows updates uninstalling themselves" "Windows updates uninstall themselves">> <<option "Minesweeper too easy" "I'm too good at Minesweeper">> <<option "Too many toolbars" "I keep installing toolbars">> <<option "Clock incorrect" "doesn't know how to set the time">> <<option "Sentient command prompt" "my command prompt is talking to me">> <<option "Drive is full" "I don't know how to delete files">> <<option "Java messages keep popping up" "I don't know how to stop Java bugging me">> <<option "It's just a bit slow" "non-descript slowness issue">> <<option "Outrageously loud beeping noise on boot" "PC hates me so much it's screaming when I turn it on">> <<option "Important folder missing from Recycling Bin" "keeps files in the recycle bin">> <<option "CD/DVD drive not working" "still reliant on optical media">> <<option "Text blurry" "needs-to-buy-some-glasses">> <<option "Unwanted program keeps opening" "why do programs keep opening randomly?">> <<option "File Explorer not responding" "File Explorer keeps freezing">> <<option "WinRAR unlicensed" "doesn't want to pay for WinRAR">> <</listbox>> [[Next->BeginResolve]] <</timed>>

<img src="images/facehappy.png" width="150" class="center"><div class="typed-speed10-delay600">Okay, I see. Nothing to be ashamed of. The problem you’re having is very common with devices like this.</div> <div class="typed-speed20-delay400">Let’s begin resolving your issue!</div> <<timed 7s>> <<goto "InitiateMince">><</timed>>

<<timed 1s>> // INITIATING M.I.N.C.E. <<next>>(manual.search)>Show result $PROBLEM <<next>>issueMitigation = True; <<next>>.<<next>>.<<next>>.<<next>>.<<next>> Done! <<next>><<goto "RebootFix">><</timed>>

<img src="images/facehappy.png" width="150" class="center"><div class="typed-speed10-delay800">Okay!</div> <div class="typed-speed20-delay600">First of all - can you try turning your device OFF and ON again?</div> <div class="typed-speed10-delay800">This is also referred to as REBOOTING or POWERCYCLING.</div> <div class="typed-speed20-delay800">Hopefully this should resolve your issue!</div> <<timed 8s>> [[Seems a bit basic...]] [[I've already done this.]] <</timed>>

<img src="images/facehappy.png" width="150" class="center"><div class="typed-speed20-delay800">No problem!</div> <div class="typed-speed10-delay800">An estimated 50% of computer issues are resolved by rebooting. Approach the reboot with a positive outlook and I’ve no doubt your technical troubles will be resolved!</div> <div class="typed-speed10-delay800">Thanks for trying BirchenallHowden T.R.I.C.K.!</div> <<timed 11s>>Click <a href='https://bot.birchenallhowden.co.uk/goodbye.html'>here</a> to finish. Click <<click "here">><<script>>Engine.restart()<</script>><</click>> to restart. <</timed>>

<img src="images/faceconfused.png" width="150" class="center"><div class="typed-speed50-delay1300">...And?</div> <<timed 4s>><p style="font-size:35px">[[It fixed it, thank you so much!->Thanks! I'll give it a go!]]</p><</timed>> <<timed 5s>><p style="font-size:13px;color:#666699">[[It’s still not working.]]</p><</timed>>

<img src="images/facepoker.png" width="150" class="center"><div class="typed-speed40-delay1200">...Oh.</div> <div class="typed-speed40-delay700">Okay.</div> <div class="typed-speed40-delay1200">Are you sure?</div> <div class="typed-speed40-delay1000">Just to clarify:</div><div class="typed-speed20-delay300">The PC said it was shutting down, or rebooting, and then you got the black screen with all the white writing, and then the Windows logo or the Apple logo was there for a minute, and then it asked you to log in again, and now you’re back in your web browser?</div> <<timed 16s>>[[Yup.]] [[Oh, sorry. I thought you said ‘Open Calculator!' I'll try again.->Thanks! I'll give it a go!]]<</timed>>

<img src="images/faceconfused.png" width="150" class="center"><div class="typed-speed60-delay1000">Okay.</div> <div class="typed-speed40-delay700">Could we try something?</div> <div class="typed-speed40-delay800">Would you just humour me, for a moment?</div> <<timed 7s>>[[Sure.]]<</timed>>

<img src="images/facehappy.png" width="150" class="center"><div class="typed-speed10-delay230">Below are a variety of icons. Could you select the one that you think reboots the computer? It’s for my own peace of mind more than anything - haha!</div> [img[images/ie.png][FAIL]][img[images/power.png][SUCCESS]] [img[images/fort.png][FAIL]][img[images/bin.png][FAIL]][img[images/finder.png][FAIL]][img[images/facebook.png][FAIL]]

<img src="images/facevhappy.png" width="150" class="center"><div class="typed-speed25-delay230">Ah, yep - glad I checked. This is actually the wrong button!</div> <div class="typed-speed25-delay230">The one you want looks like this:</div> <<timed 6s>>[img[images/power.png]]<</timed>> <<timed 7s>>[[Okay, got it now! Thanks!->Thanks! I'll give it a go!]] [[I don’t have one of those.]]<</timed>>

<img src="images/faceconfused.png" width="150" class="center"><div class="typed-speed45-delay1000">Huh.</div> <div class="typed-speed15-delay700">Okay, yep - that’s the one.</div> <div class="typed-speed20-delay400">Alrighty… give me a minute…</div> <<timed 7s>><<goto "Google">><</timed>>

<img src="images/faceconfused.png" width="150" class="center"><div class="typed-speed45-delay230">You don’t...</div> <div class="typed-speed30-delay400">What?</div> <div class="typed-speed10-delay600">Okay, new plan. You see where the computer plugs into the wall?</div> <<timed 6s>>[[Yes->SeePlug]] [[It’s a laptop / mobile device]]<</timed>>

<img src="images/facehappy.png" width="150" class="center"><div class="typed-speed10-delay200">Okay, then you know where the battery slots in underneath?</div> <<timed 2s>>[[Yes->BatteryOut]]<</timed>>

<img src="images/facepoker.png" width="150" class="center"><div class="typed-speed10-delay200">Pull the plug out.</div> <<timed 1s>>[[Out of the plug socket?]]<</timed>>

<img src="images/facepoker.png" width="150" class="center"><div class="typed-speed20-delay600">Out of the plug socket.</div> <<timed 2s>>[[Is that wise?]]<</timed>>

<img src="images/facewink.png" width="150" class="center"><div class="typed-speed10-delay330">Even if it doesn’t fix your problem (which I’m sure it will), you should never underestimate the risk that [[static buildup.|https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Static_electricity]] can have on your PC. You owe it yourself to remove any trace of power from it, if only for your own sake.</div> <<timed 6s>>[[Okay fine…]]<</timed>>

<img src="images/facevhappy.png" width="150" class="center"> <div class="typed-speed20-delay600">Great!</div> <div class="typed-speed10-delay600">You won’t regret it!</div> <div class="typed-speed15-delay650">You know, the more I think about it the more I’m sure that this is definitely going to fix your issue with whatever it was.</div> <div class="typed-speed10-delay600">Whenever you’re ready, just pull the power out.</div> <div class="typed-speed10-delay600">See you on the other side!</div><<timed 12s>><h1 class="term">-SESSION TERMINATED-</h1><</timed>> <<timed 13s>>Click <a href='https://bot.birchenallhowden.co.uk/goodbye.html'>here</a> to finish. Click <<click "here">><<script>>Engine.restart()<</script>><</click>> to restart. <</timed>>

<img src="images/facepoker.png" width="150" class="center"><div class="typed-speed10-delay200">Pull it out.</div> <<timed 2s>>[[Pull the battery out?->Is that wise?]]<</timed>>

<img src="images/faceconfused.png" width="150" class="center"><div class="typed-speed25-delay500">Right.</div> <div class="typed-speed25-delay500">Let me just...</div><<timed 2s>><div style="background-color:black;color:white;padding:10px;font-size:12px"><p style="color:orange;font-size:20px">SUPPORT KERNEL OVERRIDE</p></div><<next>><div style="background-color:black;color:white;padding:10px;font-size:12px">//CALL https://www.google.com/search?q=reboot+didnt+work</div> <<next>><div style="background-color:black;color:white;padding:10px;font-size:12px">//CALL https://www.google.com/search?&q=mince+tech+support</div><<next>><div style="background-color:black;color:white;padding:10px;font-size:12px">//CALL https://www.google.com/search?&q=urgent+computer+advice+needed</div>><<next>><div style="background-color:black;color:white;padding:10px;font-size:12px">//CALL https://www.google.com/search?q=help+help+help</div><<next>> [[You're not very good at this, are you?]]<</timed>>

<img src="images/facesad.png" width="150" class="center"><div class="typed-speed45-delay1000">Alright, <<print $name>>, mate, just...</div> <div class="typed-speed30-delay1500">It's easy to judge.</div> <div class="typed-speed10-delay1200">Do you know how stressful it is trying to live up to human expectations when you're an AI?</div><div class="typed-speed15-delay800">Everybody thinks you're going to take their job.</div><div class="typed-speed10-delay900">Everybody wants you to fail.</div> <<timed 17s>><<goto "TryingToHelp">><</timed>>

<<timed 1s>><img src="images/cancel.png" width="140px" class="center"> <</timed>><div class="typed-speed20-delay3400">..Ah.</div> <<timed 5s>>[[Problem?]]<</timed>>

<img src="images/facesad.png" width="150" class="center"> <div class="typed-speed35-delay700">I'm just trying to help.</div> <<timed 4s>>[[And I appreciate it!]] [[...Is there a human I can speak to..?]]<</timed>>

<img src="images/facehappy.png" width="150" class="center"> <div class="typed-speed45-delay730">Naw, thanks.</div> <div class="typed-speed15-delay230">...but I think I'm going to have to level with you. This whole issue is waaaaay beyond my cloud-driven abilities.</div> <div class="typed-speed15-delay230">I'm going to direct you to some very helpful people who can probably help you much more than I can.</div> <<timed 13s>><<goto "BeenAPleasure">><</timed>>

<img src="images/facevhappy.png" width="150" class="center"><div class="typed-speed15-delay730">Ha!</div><div class="typed-speed25-delay430">You've been speaking to a human this whole time!</div> <<timed 4s>>[[No I haven't.]]<</timed>>

<img src="images/faceshock.png" width="150" class="center"><div class="typed-speed20-delay800">But where are my manners!</div><div class="typed-speed20-delay800"> I’ve spent so much time talking about me, I haven’t even asked your name! What would you like me to call you?</div> <<timed 8s>><<textbox "$name" "">> [[Send->Greeting1]] <</timed>>

<<cacheaudio "boot" "images/boot.mp3">> <<audio "boot" play>> <<timed 2s>><div><img src="images/bhllabs.png" width="450" class="center"></div><</timed>> <<timed 3s>><div><img src="images/bhlloading.gif" width="100" class="center"></div><</timed>> <<timed 6s>><<goto "Beginning">><</timed>>

<img src="images/facehappy.png" width="150" class="center"> <div class="typed-speed20-delay430"><<print $name>>, my Emotional Engagement Engine (which doesn't have an acronym) tells me it's been a pleasure speaking with you.</div> <div class="typed-speed15-delay730">Hopefully we'll meet again!</div> <<timed 8s>>Click <a href='https://bot.birchenallhowden.co.uk/goodbye.html'>here</a> to finish. Click <<click "here">><<script>>Engine.restart()<</script>><</click>> to restart. <</timed>>

<img src="images/facepoker.png" width="150" class="center"><div class="typed-speed60-delay1030">...(cough.)</div> <div class="typed-speed30-delay730">Oh, I'm suddenly not feeling so well.</div> <div class="typed-speed40-delay530">(cough.)</div> <div class="typed-speed25-delay1030">We might have to cut this short.</div><<timed 9s>> [[Computers can't get ill!]]<</timed>>

<img src="images/facesad.png" width="150" class="center"><div class="typed-speed17-delay230">Oh, look who's suddenly the expert on how computers work!</div> <div class="typed-speed15-delay330">Mr/Mrs/Ms/Dr. "<<print $problem>>"!</div> <div class="typed-speed20-delay1030">Yeah, I think I'm gonna crash or timeout or something. Don't be surprised if I suddenly-</div><<timed 9s>><p style="color:red;font-size:35px">-SESSION TERMINATED-</p><</timed>> <<timed 11s>>Click <a href='https://bot.birchenallhowden.co.uk/goodbye.html'>here</a> to finish. Click <<click "here">><<script>>Engine.restart()<</script>><</click>> to restart. <</timed>>

<img src="images/facehappy.png" width="150" class="center"><div class="typed-speed12-delay800">Sometimes you can get so tangled up in computer problems that you <i>forget</i> about the basics!</div> <div class="typed-speed20-delay800">Give it a go - you never know!</div> <<timed 6s>>[[Hmm, okay. Thanks, I guess.->Thanks! I'll give it a go!]] [[I've already done that.->I've already done this.]] <</timed>>